i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
