Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
