That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
