people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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