One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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