Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
