We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
