He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
