all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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