She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I smell like Dick and happiness
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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