Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
