you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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