Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
