I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
