hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
