tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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