evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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