u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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