he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
