And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
