Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
