Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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