she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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