and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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