woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
