Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
