I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
