Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
