Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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