you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
