True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
