I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
4 words: hood of his car
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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