I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.