I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.