If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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