Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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