when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
