She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
