I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
