Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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