im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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