i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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