i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
