My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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