Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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