tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
