my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
