I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
