She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
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He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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