Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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