It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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