Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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