Christians are straight up FREAKS
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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