I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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