You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
