I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
