he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The feeling are messing with the penis
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
